Confessions of a Devoted Dreamer

I don't know why I came this way, but I've always been the type of person who has to excel at everything... I mean everything. I remember coming home from fourth grade one day having a complete meltdown because I didn't get 100% on my weekly spelling test. FOURTH GRADE. The most interesting thing about that experience is that I don't remember feeling like I let myself down, I remember feeling like I let down my family and my parents. I kept apologizing like it was an obligation or expectation that I failed to uphold. Seriously, at 9 years old this was going through my head. By no means do I believe my parents put this kind of pressure on me. They always encouraged me to work hard, but they did not expect me to be perfect. So where did this idea come from? This idea that I owed the world my best effort, and if I failed I had miserably let everyone down?

Honestly, I don't know. It has been a blessing in so many ways, and a curse in so many others. I have found so many successes and joys throughout my life because of this resilience to accomplish my goals. But I have also been so terribly hard on my poor heart because I just want to do my best. The funniest thing is that I am doing my best, but sometimes my best won't accomplish all of my goals immediately.

I'm graduating in a month. I'm graduating from COLLEGE in one month. My brain has been whizzing with so many expectations of what my life and career should be like by now. I can hear myself, twelve years old and dreaming saying, "Come on already! You're supposed to be wildly successful by now! You're supposed to be changing the world, making history!" The anxiety this causes on a daily basis is kind of excruciating.

For those of you wondering... Yes, I often gear my success towards the social gains of being an excellent person. Yes, I often post for likes and social admiration. Yes, I sometimes dance for applause and accolade more than I dance to express my passion. All of these stigmas are part of this blessing and curse I call dreaming. And all of these stigmas I am working on letting go.

I've been listening to these thoughts as I evaluate where I want my life to go in the next few months. Sometimes they truly bring me sorrow, pain, disgrace. It comes from the deepest part of me- this child soul who has a dream, and is disappointed in the progress she's made thus far.

I started dancing when I was 5 years old, and fell deep in love by the time I was 12. Much of my life has been focused on my dancing, and it has blessed me in so many ways. School was also a passion of mine, and I really loved learning. I decided I wanted to go to college at a very young age, something many aspiring professional dancers don't often do.

I went to BYU with wide eyes and a full heart, imagining all the possibilities of my future career. But college was hard. Dancing was hard. After high school, dance becomes a fight every single day. I had to prove myself, I had to compete harder, and I became someone I didn't necessarily like. But this heart, this passionate dreaming heart could not let anything stop her from accomplishing her goals. After deciding to major in Business, it became even more of a battle. Fighting around schedules, judgment, stress, fear...

And now, I'm graduating. I danced through college, I made it through and I got to the end only to feel like I am behind in accomplishing my goals. But... Why? What in the world could I have done to accomplish MORE in my college career? I am leaving the BYU Marriott School of Management with a 3.8 GPA. I never paid a cent for tuition because I always received academic and leadership scholarships. I have NO student loans. I have a degree that was difficult, and applicable to a great paying job right out of school. I got married to the best man in the whole wide world. I met amazing people who I experienced some of my most cherished memories with. I traveled the WORLD.

Now, tell me... why do I let myself even go there? Because I don't have enough Instagram likes? Because I still don't have a paying dance job? Because I have no idea how I am going to get where I want to be in my career?

I don't know the answer, but I have an idea that this kind of hopelessness can really destroy people like me. I have the potential and the qualities to do a lot of good in the world. But these same qualities can also do a lot of damage to my heart... and this damage can cause a lot of sad in my world.

I started writing this down because my brain loves to move too fast for my consciousness. I haven't quite understood until now the reason for my hurting. I have so much to be proud of, so much to be grateful for, so much to not beat myself up about.

I hope this relates to someone... I know there are more people like me out there that need some lovin. I sure do, and I'm lucky to have amazing friends and family who remind me of their love and of the Savior's love for me. Wow, would I be so lost without that.